November means December is around the corner, and December means it's time to buy presents.
But not these.
--For the kids:
Anxious Barbie. This is a Barbie who prefers to stay in her Dreamhouse. Really. Go away. Ken has taken to driving his Corvette to the bar and grousing to anyone who will listen, usually Skipper, who could tell you stories about her own disastrous marriage(s). And she will, when you pull her string ... and buy her a mojito.
G.I. Tract Joe. The first action figure to come with a retractable intestine. Hours of fun!
E-Z Break Oven. Can't say we didn't warn you. Minutes of fun.
Eau de Regret. Cologne with the scent of potato pancakes, which whisks you right back to your mother-in-law's kitchen when you were first married and she told you to buy Apple, but that was crazy, because it was $4.37 a share.
Eau de Further Regret. This cologne -- with top notes of sage, saddle soap and dysentery -- is sure to remind you of that trip you took with your buddies to the dude ranch in Montana. The one that served all those beans.
Eau Enough Already. Is that a hint of musk? Or the entire musk shoved into a manly bottle, his little paws pressed against the glass? Whatever. It sure is musky.
Alligator wallet. A popular item. But first you have to pick the pocket of the alligator.
Pumpkin spice hair spray. The look and feel of an expensive limited-time latte, but in your hair.
"50 Shades of Hay." The naughty novel of two intensely attracted horses.
"50 Shades of Neigh." The stallion's wife finds out.
Spa in a Box. OK, so it's a very small spa. Give your pinkie a day of bliss.
Whitman's Sampler. Walt Whitman, that is. First stanzas of 24 assorted poems.
Chanel No. 6. Yes, yes, it knows it's not quite what you asked for. Have you ever even tried -- wait, wait. Hold on. Deep breath. It's not "cheap"; it's a "value scent." Some people like it even better! One gal... It's... Look, could we please talk about something else?
The Tiffany Ring. Group of guys who planned a heist at a Tiffany store in the '70s. Not really relevant on a gift list.
--For the home:
The Smart Spoon. Tired of trying to get soup to your mouth and having it splash and spill? The Smart Spoon scoops up soup and seals it in a tiny plastic pouch. Simply puncture the pouch once it is inside your mouth and voila -- piping-hot soup (and a little bit of plastic). Best of all, no more mess! (Except for spitting out the pouch.)
The Smart Fork. Tired of trying to spear your food and having it fall off halfway to your teeth? The Smart Fork wraps your food in fine 8-gauge wire. Simply chew through the wire once it is inside your mouth and voila -- delicious food (and little bits of wire).
The Smart Knife. Tired of your boss? Simply insert the smart knife into part of his or her torso when he or she is least expecting this. Voila! No muss, no fuss (provided you have a plausible alibi).
--For your pet:
100 percent carrot chew toy. A bone-shaped carrot that will make any Fido healthier, if he chews it. Let's hope he will. Although, none of the test dogs did. But they were probably fussier than yours.
Lenore Skenazy is author of the book and blog "Free-Range Kids" and a hilarious keynote speaker at conferences, companies and schools. Run out and get her book "Has the World Gone Skenazy?"